Tag Archives: profundity

In Which Rob Attempts To Understand Lyrical Genius (Part Two)

My music-related prayers have finally been answered. I’ve been sacrificing chickens, goats, cows, even the occasional person to no avail for the last couple years but if it even so much as negligibly helped to make this… this pinnacle of musical accomplishment happen, every one of those lives were worth it.

Nicki Minaj and Justin Bieber finally collaborated on a song. Suck it, vegans!

Now, if you know anything about me, you know that I can’t let the high point in the entirety of music’s one-decade history pass me by. So here I am, attempting to better appreciate the genius wordplay of Justin Bieber and Nicki Minaj’s magnum opus, Beauty and a Beat.

Yeah..
Young Money..
Nicki Minaj
Justin…

This is kind of them because, by reminding us of who’s singing, they’re assuring us of the quality eargasms we’re about to experience.

Show you off
Tonight I wanna show you off (aye,aye,aye)
What you got
A billion could’ve never bought (aye,aye,aye)

So, the stage has been set. I’ve just come back from getting plastic surgery, the results of which Justin Bieber is clearly very appreciative of. 

We gonna party like it’s 3012 tonight
I wanna show you all the finer things in life
So just forget about the world, we’re young tonight
I’m coming for ya, I’m coming for ya

We’re partying like it 3012 tonight because the plastic surgery has went so well that it seems impossible that modern technology could possibly have engineered it. The message is inspirational: You should never be happy with the- probably ugly- hand, or face, you’ve been dealt in life. Especially not with so many options available to fix it. UGLY DOES NOT HAVE TO BE PERMANENT, PEOPLE. INNER BEAUTY IS JUST SOMETHING THAT UGLY PEOPLE TALK ABOUT TO MAKE THEMSELVES FEEL BETTER.

Cause all..
I need, is a Beauty and a Beat
Who can make my life complete
It’s all..
Bout you, when the music makes you move
Baby do it like you do
Cause…

Should I really be dancing, Justin? I-I’ve just had surgery, remember, and I’m not feeling very graceful yet… 

Body rock,
Girl, I can feel your body rock (aye,aye,aye)
Take a bow, you on the hottest ticket now (aye,aye,aye)

Okay, you do make a compelling argument. Let’s dance the dance of life!

We gonna party like it’s 3012 tonight
I wanna show you all the finer things in life
So just forget about the world, we’re young tonight
I’m coming for ya, I’m coming for ya

Cause all..
I need, is a Beauty and a Beat
Who can make my life complete
It’s all..
Bout you, when the music makes you move
Baby do it like you do

This. This speaks to the kind of man that Justin Bieber has grown into. Not only does he want a committed gold-digger, he wants one who can dance. He wants a real, layered woman in his life of many talents. He isn’t just looking for anyone. He’s looking for the one.

Uh, Uh
In time, ink lines, b-bitches couldn’t get on my incline

Suddenly, a wild Nicki Minaj appears! At first, this perplexed me until I realized- In this song, I am Nicki Minaj. I feel sort of like a barbie doll. This is all I’ve ever wanted.

World tour, it’s mine, ten little letters, on a big sign
Justin.. Bieber, you know Imma hit ’em with the ether
Buns out, weiner, but I gotta keep an eye out for Selena

I can’t help but wonder if anal sex is the absinthe of this generation. So far I’m two-for-two in  buttsex references when it comes to the music I’m listening to and there’s got to be something to that.

In any case, this song has now ripped me out of the real and into the surreal. I’m in some sort of alternate, kinky, universe where I’m plumbing Justin Bieber’s depths with a hotdog- Naturally, I have to watch out for Selena Gomez, who would probably be none-too-pleased with this development. Would you want to upset a wizard?

Beauty, Beauty and the Beast
Beauty from the east, beautiful confessions of the priest
Beast, beauty from the streets, we don’t get deceased
Every time a beauty on the beats
(Body rock, girl, I wanna feel your body rock)
(Yeah, Yeah, yeah, Let’s go, Let’s go!)

Nicki Minaj, and by extension myself, is a priest. A clever, topical reference to the Catholic Church sex scandals? No! A timely revelation. I now understand the gravity of the pillaging I was doing before. This forbidden Barbie Doll/Canadian Popstar love affair is a passionate, complex one. One song couldn’t possibly put into words all that it is, but this one comes close. And that wouldn’t be possible without a prodigious level of musical competency.

I have never been so moved in my life. Kudos, Nicki Minjas. Kudos, Justin Bieber. Kudos.