In Which Rob Attempts To Understand Lyrical Genius (Part One)

As a writer, I’m always striving for improvement- Writing is a craft and, like any medium, there are just those who have got it down to an art. A science. I have much that I can learn from these masters of the craft and in this segment, I intend to glean all the sweet, sweet knowledge seeds that I can from a selected piece of work. In this segment, I’ll be examining the timeless love ballad that is “Little Things” by One Direction.

Now, lesser artists might have too low an opinion of themselves to blatantly name a song after their genitalia but the genius of One Direction is such that they can manage to get away with it. Art is edgy, after all.

Your hand fits in mine
Like it’s made just for me
But bear this in mind
It was meant to be

My hand was meant to be made just for his. A clever reference to Twilight- the greatest love story of the twenty first century in it’s own right- perhaps? Already, they’ve told me that I’ve been imprinted upon.

Is there anything more romantic than that? It’s the ultimate arranged marriage, and no form of marriage has quite so low a divorce rate as the ones that are arranged, am I right?

And I’m joining up the dots with the freckles on your cheeks
And it all makes sense to me

So now he’s rearranging my face to better suit his personal tastes. Of course, rearranging one’s face is also a euphemism for spousal abuse. Have I already displeased him enough that he feels that he has to physically correct me? I feel as though he’s ripped me right off my bed and into the pages of Fifty Shades of Grey! Oh my.

I know you’ve never loved
The crinkles by your eyes
When you smile
You’ve never loved
Your stomach or your thighs,
The dimples in your back at the bottom of your spine
But I’ll love them endlessly

….See, by “I’ll endlessly love the dimples on the bottom of your spine”, he means buttsex. That is literally the smoothest way to proposition someone for buttsex I’ve ever heard of. He’s even promised that I’ll be smiling like a lottery winner while he does it, because he’s sensitive to my feelings and he realize that my pleasure is just as important as his.

No wonder he’s a teen heartthrob!

I won’t let these little things slip out of my mouth
But if I do
It’s you
Oh, it’s you they add up to
I’m in love with you
And all these little things

Oh my. Surprise buttsex. Forget candy and flowers, One Direction is opening up an entire Pandora’s Box here about ways to show that one special girl that they care. Because if there’s one thing better than a home prostate exam, it’s an unsolicited one.

Take note: Asking your partner to bite the pillow first will just make them nervous. Jump in, dry as a desert in a heatwave! They’ll thank you for it, eventually.

You can’t go to bed without a cup of tea
And maybe that’s the reason that you talk in your sleep
And all those conversations are the secrets that I keep
Though it makes no sense to me

A person is never more vulnerable than when they’re asleep, and that’s okay.

It’s okay because, like a mortal Edward Cullen, One Direction will watch me while I sleep. They’ll compassionately listen to the things I mumble in my sleep, and not even blab about it to any relatives or back-up musicians. They’re the kind of nice, clean-cut British boys that I could bring home to meet my Mother. Except when they sing about it.

I know you’ve never loved
The sound of your voice on tape
You never want
To know how much you weigh
You still have to squeeze into your jeans
But you’re perfect to me

Like all great romantics, One Direction is more than willing to go home from the bar with a Two when none of the Tens are biting.

You’ll never love yourself half as much as I love you
You’ll never treat yourself right, darling, but I want you to.
If I let you know I’m here for you
Maybe you’ll love yourself like I love you, oh.

If there had been any lingering warning lights going off in the back of my mind, that would serve to alleviate them- They realize that I have cripplingly low self-esteem and might or might not be suicidal, but it’s okay because they’re willing to enter into a codependent relationship with me. How do you manage to just casually look right into the tortured depths of the thirteen-year-old girl inside my soul, One Direction?

With genius like this, they’re sure to continue the majestic tradition of decade-spanning, chart-topping dominance that their peers- Backstreet Boys, NSync, Alvin and the Chipmunks, and The Jonas Brothers- have upheld.

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